Body Image, It's An Issue

Current pic 144.5 lbs

I'm Not Fat
If you asked me 50 pounds ago if I thought I was 'fat' I would have said, "No, I'm big boned.".  Interestingly enough, I had less body image issues with 50 extra pounds on me.  I know why this is and I know why I felt comfortable in that skin... I DID NOT KNOW I WAS FAT.  I guess I was told by enough people that I was heavy, my sister would drop hints about fat girls wearing tight clothes all the time and my mom would suggest that I go for a walk, but I still didn't look in the mirror and see a fat person looking back at me.
The first time this phenomena hit me was after I had my first child.  Jared had taken a picture of me asleep on the recliner holding our sweet little bundle.  -I was horrified- I had felt so beautiful and secure with my pregnant body that I didn't recognize the deflated blob wrapped about that little pink baby stuffed blanket.  Sure, through the teen and early adult years I'd look at pictures of myself and not liked what I saw but I was convinced I just didn't photograph well, my mirror wasn't the lair, the camera was!  So this new realization hit me like a bird in the windshield -completely by surprise (a pretty ugly realization).
 So I did what any other person who realizes they are fat does...

  
Self Loathing

9 mths pregnant and 190 lbs

After such a harsh judgement has been passed how can you not do something about it, how can you ignore what you know to be true?  The question was, WHAT to do to fix the problem.  I had always been very active and strong and a 'healthy eater', so I really didn't know what I needed to do or even what the problem was.  I had just had a baby, I didn't gain weight in excess, in fact I was told to gain weight (I started my pregnancy at 180 lbs and only gained 20 total) which is easier said than done when the barf train rolls into the station after every meal.  Where do you go when you don't know how to get there? -Around in circles- (Also known as the Crazy Train!)


Slim In 6 to the Rescue

That's me up there at 200 lbs

Feb 8, 2004

Post baby we order the Slim In 6 DVD's and nutrition plan and got to work.  At first the workouts seemed ridiculously easy, besides my always bothersome knees, I thought the program was going no where fast.  Even more ridiculous was the nutrition plan, I mean, measure my food?!  You've got to be kidding me!  I thought I was going to starve those first few weeks and I really laughed inside about the whole thing, thinking it was a silly fad that wasn't going to do anything but cost us $100 and some dignity.

After 3 weeks on Slim in 6, 145 lbs

Funny thing happened though... I began to lose weight!  Not just a few pounds, I literally melted the sizes away in the third and fourth weeks.  After doing the program from start to finish I had lost nearly 50 pounds and 8 dress sizes and I was stunned!
In my adult life I had not even realized I was even heavy let alone fat.  This new skinny figure was completely out of grasp for my mind.  I still felt like the same person I was pre-baby only the scale had this new amazing number I hadn't seen since puberty.  I started to really like that number...

Funny Thing Is
I wasn't told I was fat, it was merely implied and it didn't phase me much until I had lost weight and then when I looked back over the years of photographic evidence.  I wondered why nobody told me I was overweight! 
So, when is it okay to tell a person they have a problem and is it worth giving them another issue with self image.  Should we tell each other right out that the government considers you obese and I think you're looking a little on the fat side as well?  That's assuming of course that a person doesn't realize they are indeed overweight.  I was a teen when I packed on the pounds and most of it was not a lack of activity but an over indulgence at the dinner table.  That problem was two fold, first as a younger teen I listened to the torment of my sisters and others that 'ate like pigeons' -so that was bad- and then being encouraged and even praised for being able to eat more than 'so and so' -so that was good-.
It's no wonder I ended up at 180 pounds at age 18, I had no grasp on what a healthy portion of food was.  Other than the reactions of others to the amount of food on my plate, I had no gage, and no really motivation to learn or change anything...I DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAT!

Fast Forward
Here we are 8 years down the road and 2 more babies later...
I now weigh less today than I did after my first baby, by just a half pound.  But I don't feel the same, something has changed.  The years after baby number 1 and 2 I spent working out and enjoying a new body that looked great in workout clothes and felt strong and received compliments that I actually believed.
2 years out from baby #3 and I'm back down to that *magic* number and I find myself riddled with insecurities.
I find it interesting that I felt completely comfortable in my 'fat suit' and while I love being a smaller version of me, it's not at all what I thought being 'skinny' would feel like.  Just goes to show that extra pounds lost are not going to magically erase your history or the personal recording in your head that tells you who you are in the voice of those that influenced you most.

For the Record
I was indeed overweight.  My mom had good reason for suggesting long walks and even the jabs of others should have clued me in that something was amiss.  At present I am at a healthy weight for an average female of my height but for an athlete I still have room for improvement in both my BMI and muscle tone.  My current goal is to reach my optimum race weight of 138 pounds, which will go something like this...

 "When people ask if you have been sick, you're within 10 pounds, when they whisper and ask if you have cancer or aids, you're within 5, when they actually have an intervention, you know you're at race weight!"

-Rick Sivertson, Ironman Triathlete

When people tell me I'm looking skinny this quote pops in my head and I get a good giggle over it, but then I get really bothered.  I've told my husband I don't want to look 'sickly' skinny like many pro athlete's I've seen.  I'm trying to reach a goal, so I DON'T want to hear that I look anorexic and if I hear it I may have to delete you from my friends list! ;0)


No Really...
I feel guilty about comments on how much time I spend working out or how much money is put into the pursuit or how much weight I've lost.  I am really REALLY bothered about my weight and even MORE bothered when the suggestion of not eating is thrown at me.  If you only knew how much food I eat in one day you wouldn't look at me like a starving dieter, you'd probably wonder how on earth I'm not 40 pounds heavier!  What swimming, biking and running 5-6 times a week will burn in calories is amazing.  I've never worked out this hard in all my life, I've never ate this healthfully in all my life and I've never felt as incredible in all my life.  That being said, I wish I had a fat suit to race in.  In my mind I imagine it to be comfy and cloak my insecurities about being a skinny fat chick with saggy boobs and stretch marked like an old pair of panty hose. :) 
Well, that's the 'skinny' on it.  I've got perceptions about myself just like everybody else, something I'm trying to work through in my physical pursuits.  So when I post those first pics of me at my race weight let's hear some positive feedback cause they're coming... and I don't want any Facebook casualties!

Pre Season: The Cold Hard Truth

So this is going to be interesting...

First race of the season is on the roster, Jared and I will both be doing the Olympic distance at the RAGE Triathlon,  

April 21, 2012 

Boulder Beach at Lake Mead NRA

Las Vegas, NV

1500m Swim / 24.8mi Bike / 10k Run

...Aaaand cue butterflies!  Oh man this is going to be a battle of wills, my will and what my body will (do).   

That being said, WHO'S EXCITED to race?!   I sure, am? Okay, so I'm laughing with myself because only I, and perhaps Jared, know how many pieces of Thanksgiving pie I stared down and mauled Augustus Gloop style.  Pretty sure I ate my weight in pie and this -------------->

is exactly how I feel, a little on the round side a LOT on the pigley wigley side!  One thing is for certain, I have GOT to get a handle on my appetite for the sweeter things in life, as a mother and wanna-be-athlete, I hang my head in bitter shame.  If there is one thing that will hold me back from being the best I can be it will be my addiction to sugar.

Ooooooohhhh, suuuugarrrrr (in my best Homer voice)!  So it will be interesting to see how I do training for this race and my 'A' race for the year, The Disneyland Half Marathon.  

Plan of Attack

To reach my 'race weight' goal of 138 pounds of lean, mean fighting machine, I must change a few things in my life.  Okay, we've mentioned the sugar and as history will show I CAN eliminate the sugar and I WILL, but what about my weakest and most shunned exercise, ESSENTIAL for triathlon?  Yes, I must learn to love my bike.  Not just love it, but make it my favorite pass time and something I excel at.  

So:  a) cut the sugar, b) own the bike and c) hmmmm

Well, c) is important, it really is...I'm just having a Rick Perry moment. :0)

 

No really, first things first, I'm going to get up in the morning and OWN my bike.  Setting a goal of 35 minutes of HARD effort riding to a little zombie guts and gore, HEY!  No GUTS, No GlORy? Right? RIGHT?!  OMGosh it's like I'm TALKING TO MYSELF!!!!  ;0)  Oh well, I'll take a moment to get motivated someone who amazes me.

 

  "Don't think about what you can do--think about what you want to do. And start trying to do it."

-Jason Pipoly

"Challenges are often a matter of our perception. If we stop perceiving them as challenges and see them as something necessary to achieve our goals, they will be easier to overcome, and we can reach our potential.  It might be hard to do in the beginning, but if you do it each day, after a while you're not going to perceive it as being hard. You're going to perceive it as being normal."

I just have one word for this guy -AMAZING.  

Rocket Compelled

 

Rocket Compelled
Today is probably not the best day to post about my new goals, but hey, there's no time like the present time -right?  I really can't even control myself really, I'm compelled.
So....

At the chiro's today, as I was face down and really hating that I can't be my own massage therapist, I was thinking about my newly set goals and taking a mental inventory on how that's working out for me.  Considering I was laying there whimpering about my decrepit old lady back that has twice gone out on me in the last 30 days it was maybe not the best time to have this moment of self reflection (in regards to my physical fitness of course).
(And as a 'Hooked on Phonics' drop-out I had to Webster the spelling of 'decrepit' and got a good laugh out of it, and for the record, the following applies to me and well documented by my doc as he so kindly pointed out for me).

de·crep·it

adj \di-ˈkre-pət\

1

: wasted and weakened by or as if by the infirmities of old age

2

a : impaired by use or wear : worn-out b : fallen into ruin or disrepair

3

: dilapidated, run-down

— de·crep·it·ly adverb

See decrepit defined for English-language learners »

See decrepit defined for kids »

Examples of DECREPIT

1. My decrepit car barely starts.

I especially love that last bit, 'Examples of DECREPIT'; my 'car' also barely starts -or- my body barely gets out of bed in the morning.  But such as life and such is my back.

So What?

With all the problems I have with my body there's no wonder my doctor, physical therapist and coach think there is something wrong with my head.

-Clearly- I wasn't cut out of athlete's cloth, I wasn't bred of physical perfection (no offense intended mom) and I wasn't built of steel.  My physical frame; made up of soft squishyness and delicate ankles that are probably better suited to Hostess Cupcakes and a LaZboy.  But in my mind, I'm completely made up of something much more amazing, I think it's the Conger/Meyer/Taylor/Ellis that flows through my veins.  Not my real veins, those are full of the same soft squishy stuff, I mean in my 'metaphorical' veins -the cool veins people reference when they want to imply they are cooler or stronger because they have cool or strong ancestors- THOSE veins. (I have some seriously strong ancestors, my great grandmother cut of her own toe with an axe, HER OWN TOE -now THAT'S tough! She did what she had to do back in the day before speed dial and co-pays. That may also be a link to my mental issues eh? Okay, so that's only funny if you know me.)  :)  

I completely relate to Great-Grandmother Ellis, I'm a 'do what it takes' kind of person.  I'm not a wait around for a tow-truck, plumber or anyone to get things done, I'll install it, fix it or throw it out myself, kind of gal.  That's not to say I don't need help from anyone, I do, but I'm not going to wait around for someone when I'm a capable person.
I didn't just become a capable person by accident, that was by design or inspiration maybe?

Pivatol Moment
When I was a youngster my parents where in charge of setting up a Halloween party at church.  Dad was building a big spiders web in the space that large accordion dividers separate an over-flow area from the gym when he encountered a problem.  Now, I don't know if he really didn't know -or- if he just wanted to give me an opportunity to help, but he told me to figure out a way to attach the string to the carpet since tape wasn't sticking.  I immediately analyzed the situation and determined a paper clip, tied to the string and then hooked through the loops in the carpet would hold.  Then my dad did the one thing that would inspire me to be an 'able' person, he smiled and said that was a brilliant idea!  My little girl heart beamed with pride and my path altered.
Since then there hasn't been a task I haven't been willing to try my hand at.
I have installed blinds, ceiling fans, light fixtures, sinks, plumbing, water systems, shelves, door knobs and just about everything else that I had the chance to.  I even managed to impress my husband when I installed our garage door opener and then a set of running boards on his truck!   Now, I don't mention it blow my own horn, but rather display my attitude towards any en-particular task, I am NOT afraid to get it done, I am NOT afraid to fail and I am NOT afraid of breaking it.  I don't ask permission to attempt doing a professionals job, I just read the instructions and follow them to a 'T' so it's really NOT so amazing or special -anyone can do it. What an amazing concept, right?  So now I will lay out my goals for the up coming season and I want you to remember -ANYONE can do it- and I will try to remember that myself!

The Goals

This coming season will be the year of the HALF, that's right! Half marathon and Half Ironman...oh man I said IT!  So, first things first: finding my first half!  While I'm searching for that first race, which will serve the purpose of setting a time for my 'A' race, I'll list the events I will be doing for certain.

FREEDOM RUN (5k distance), July

BLACKRIDGE Triathlon (Sprint distance), August

DISNEYLAND HALF MARATHON 

(This is my 'A' race for the season), September

Still searching for my first 70.3 distance race, but until my husband finalizes HIS race schedule I can not finalize mine (because we are in this TOGETHER)!  

The Freedom Run for me has become a tradition of sorts, it's a great race to get family involved and it's also the race that started it all, so I'll be shooting for a PR this time around.

The goal is to finish in the top 10 at Blackridge this year and to do that I will be focusing on my race weight and my bike speed, also staying INJURY FREE.   

I am so excited for the Disneyland Half!  This is a sister race and I hope the Ragnar ladies will jump on board TOO *aaaHEM*.  My hope is to KILL this race but since I don't yet have a PR for this distance I will settle for crossing the finish line still standing...and remaining that way! 

SO, I had better get serious about my winter training and serious about my nutrition, which suffers GREATLY at this time of year -doesn't everybody's? :)  I've actually been pretty good in some area's, lot's of green protein smoothies and lots of veggies and fruits  BUT I'm a sugar addict and as an addict I am still sneaking like a hardcore addict does...a habit that is HARD to break.   Hey, I'm not perfect I'm just trying to be! 

In The End

DECREPIT doesn't really fit into my race goals as you can see, as an 'able' person I will now attempt to get up and get my groove on... HOPING I don't bend wrong and end it all.  It could always be worse so I will THANK the Lord for the health I have and try be grateful for my very own special brand of decrepit. :)

TTNFL, (Till the Next Finish Line)

I'm bringing what I've got!